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"Seat Safety Switch" (seat-safety-switch) 05/09/2016 at 13:04 • Filed to: submarines not subarus, airbnb

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They told me when I put down the rubles for a gently used Oscar-II class nuclear-powered cruise-missile submarine I couldn’t make any money off of my investment. But they were still stuck in the old economy, before the advent of our Holy Mother Airbnb.

Now, before you assume that a used submarine must have something wrong with it, I have to stop you right there. Besides a few dents from the occasional naval trainee learning to parallel park, it really was in excellent shape. Even the mechanic who inspected it seemed fairly impressed after reluctantly putting down his Geiger - he took a whole bunch of pictures of every nook and cranny to “share with his buddies.” Whatever, dude.

A few trips to Home Depot later, and I had what I figured was a pretty rockin’ hipster hotel, if I do say so myself. Every room dripped (literally, the humidity in this thing is incredible) with a rich tapestry of pastel colours. Hand-lettered greasepaint inspirational sayings dot the walls of the tenant rooms. I even topped it off by welding a bike rack into the conning tower.

My first few tenants were excellent. They left great reviews, focusing on my attention to customer service. Some of them took great pains to mention how invigorating commuting to work by way of the torpedo tubes could be. Sure, there was the occasional crufty bicycle mechanic that wanted to tinker with the reactors, but buying a better combination lock eventually put an end to that.

I was on top of the world, so flush with cash that paying off the Kursk condo would be faster than I had ever imagined.

Imagine my surprise when those meddlers at NATO came around. Not even leaving a chocolate mint on the pillow could improve my reviews with those guys. Have you ever seen the tow and impound bill for a five-hundred-foot-long attack submarine before?

RamblinRover Luxury-Yacht > Seat Safety Switch 05/09/2016 at 13:12

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I didn’t realize how much I needed some new Seat Safety Switch. AHHHHHHH

functionoverfashion > Seat Safety Switch 05/09/2016 at 13:13

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hahahaha... wait. Did someone really do this?

Party-vi > Seat Safety Switch 05/09/2016 at 13:13

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yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees

Wheelerguy > Seat Safety Switch 05/09/2016 at 13:24

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Can you be my running mate? So I can step down and make YOU President of Oppositelock.

Brian, The Life of > Seat Safety Switch 05/09/2016 at 13:25

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vondon302 > RamblinRover Luxury-Yacht 05/09/2016 at 13:30

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Came to say the same!

vondon302 > Seat Safety Switch 05/09/2016 at 13:31

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Bout time seatsafetyswitch. Hope your well and give us more please!

Treemendous > Brian, The Life of 05/09/2016 at 13:32

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Wow. This is new and amazing.

Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap > RamblinRover Luxury-Yacht 05/09/2016 at 13:36

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He has a tumblr blog.

Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap > Seat Safety Switch 05/09/2016 at 13:37

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A submarine hotel would be badass.

SailingEric > Seat Safety Switch 05/09/2016 at 13:40

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That pic is the USS Blueback at OMSI in Portland, Oregon

yung bramblepelt > Seat Safety Switch 05/09/2016 at 13:42

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!!! UNKNOWN CONTENT TYPE !!!

AfromanGTO > Seat Safety Switch 05/09/2016 at 13:42

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That’s awesome! LOL!

camotoy > Seat Safety Switch 05/09/2016 at 13:44

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yea where is this? link? i know its in portland Or, but i dont see any listing on airbnb

Pinkslip > Seat Safety Switch 05/09/2016 at 13:45

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A couple years ago, I had a coworker who rented a “house boat” in the San Francisco pier. He was fresh out of college and wanted to live in SF, but didn’t want to spend $1200/mo to share a couch cushion with two other roommates in an actual apartment, so he snagged this leaky boat rental for $750/mo (super cheap for anything with a roof in SF).

He liked all 300 sq ft of it for over a year. But here’s the rub: he didn’t have a toilet on the little boat, so he had to go into the pier to use the restroom. At night, that was an inconvenience, and getting caught peeing off the side of the boat could mean a fine at best or registered sex offender at worst. So he had a “pee bucket.”

Turns out, girls will look past a lot- leaky, rickety, cramped house boats included. But they will not look past a pee bucket.

He now has roommates.

Leon711 > Seat Safety Switch 05/09/2016 at 13:46

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Welcome back!

Harlard > Seat Safety Switch 05/09/2016 at 13:47

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South Waterfront. Moored at OMSI. Come to Portland to take a look at it. Just don’t stay. Seriously. It’s full.

ColonialSaab > Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap 05/09/2016 at 13:53

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except that there is such a thing as the Hotel Class submarine.

PartyPooper2012 > Seat Safety Switch 05/09/2016 at 13:56

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someone bought a fucking submarine to use as a hotel room? What in the world is wrong with people? Do you not watch super villain movies? Possibilities are endless and you gonna have some sweaty fat slob sleep in it so he could post pictures of him sleeping in a submarine so his friends could post these memes????

anutteruser > Seat Safety Switch 05/09/2016 at 13:56

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You couldn’t have picked a better location. Right in the heart of Portland, next to the bike trail, AND you can pick up tipsy hipsters right out of OMSI After Dark !

Leon711 > Seat Safety Switch 05/09/2016 at 14:02

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MRW seat safety switch is FP’d

PartyPooper2012 > Seat Safety Switch 05/09/2016 at 14:04

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Things you could do with a submarine:
Sneak up on Iranian navy ships and throw shoes at them
Rob banks in Venice
Become uber/lyft driver
smuggle drugs/money for cartel but in reverse... take drugs out, bring money in. Added bonus if you keep the money. You have a sub. They wont find you anyway.
See titanic.

DAMN YOU!!! How much was it??? I want it!

Lorem Ipsum > Brian, The Life of 05/09/2016 at 14:08

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the actual sub in the picture is in Portland. It’s a retired sub that’s a long term exhibit at OMSI, Oregon Museum of Science and Industry (basically a very large kid’s science museum). https://www.omsi.edu/submarine

Bill Caswell > Seat Safety Switch 05/09/2016 at 14:10

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Please keep writing and sharing it with us! This is awesome! I want more!

Papa Van Twee > functionoverfashion 05/09/2016 at 14:15

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Some of them took great pains to mention how invigorating commuting to work by way of the torpedo tubes could be.

It was about right here where I said, no, probably not.

This will not end well... > Seat Safety Switch 05/09/2016 at 14:19

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I dunno; I stayed there for 4 days- head space was non-existent. Also at night, it would get really loud- you think thin walls at a hotel are bad- what about steel walls that just bounce sounds around all night long.

On the plus side, I did like the fresh fish we caught for dinner every night- the sub just puts up netting on either side to catch fish swimming by.

DrZ > Seat Safety Switch 05/09/2016 at 14:23

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That’s no Oscar-II, that’s the USS Blueback...not even an SSN! FOR SHAME!!

Cool idea though! Just get your submarine pictures right (and get off my lawn, grumble, grumble)! ;)

Seat Safety Switch > DrZ 05/09/2016 at 14:24

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Like you’ve never booked a room on airbnb with a deceptive picture before.

deprecated account > Seat Safety Switch 05/09/2016 at 14:25

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I have awaited thy return. Thank thee for bestowing upon us thy dankness.

functionoverfashion > Papa Van Twee 05/09/2016 at 14:26

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haha, well... I was wondering it it was *partially* true. But yeah. Probably .... not.

CGJackal > DrZ 05/09/2016 at 14:29

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No, it’s the USS Blueback

DrZ > ColonialSaab 05/09/2016 at 14:30

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Which is not so much badass, as just just... bad.

GreenN_Gold > Seat Safety Switch 05/09/2016 at 14:31

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Will Inter-Continental breakfast be served?

Seat Safety Switch > GreenN_Gold 05/09/2016 at 14:32

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You won’t want to missile it.

PNW921 > DrZ 05/09/2016 at 14:46

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The USS Blueback is excellently placed to service hipsters, however...

Chicago-Craig > GreenN_Gold 05/09/2016 at 14:56

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Yes, and you can watch reruns of the MIRV Griffin Show while eating.

QuadPole > GreenN_Gold 05/09/2016 at 15:00

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Breakfast will be nuked.

drock905 > GreenN_Gold 05/09/2016 at 15:02

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COTD

MobileOctopus > DrZ 05/09/2016 at 15:17

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It’s totally the Typhon-Class SSBN Red October and not a Barbel-Class diesel electric attack sub open for tours in downtown Portland, OR.

Wrong 'Em Boyo > Lorem Ipsum 05/09/2016 at 15:20

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I work about 500 yards away from there. Can confirm the demand for a bike rack on the conning tower.

Kaufmania: Mark Webber's Stunt Double > Seat Safety Switch 05/09/2016 at 15:23

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This needs to be real....

I want this to be real....

Kaufmania: Mark Webber's Stunt Double > GreenN_Gold 05/09/2016 at 15:25

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COTD

Pushrods Forever > GreenN_Gold 05/09/2016 at 15:26

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Unfortunately, the only item on the menu is canned sunshine.

Jdrentarol > GreenN_Gold 05/09/2016 at 15:30

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The subs are really tasty

BillGK > Seat Safety Switch 05/09/2016 at 15:34

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What if it sinks to the bottom of the dock with the occupants trapped inside it? Do you have insurance that covers this?

ArtistAtLarge > GreenN_Gold 05/09/2016 at 16:09

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That idea was torpedo’d as well.

N11Seven > Seat Safety Switch 05/09/2016 at 16:18

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Why would nato shut you down?

Turbineguy: Nom de Zoom > Seat Safety Switch 05/09/2016 at 16:29

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Epic bait & switch bro...

Turbineguy: Nom de Zoom > Seat Safety Switch 05/09/2016 at 16:30

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Cool idea in theory, until a guest has a bad batch of oysters and the interior spaces become unlivable.

BabyGroundhogEyes > GreenN_Gold 05/09/2016 at 16:35

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And of course, Sub-sangwiches for lunch. Every. Freakin’. Day. Always.

BabyGroundhogEyes > Seat Safety Switch 05/09/2016 at 16:37

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What it lacks in creature-comforts, it more that makes-up for in offensive & defensive capabilities, right ? Just try over-throwing a 3rd-world country w/ a Motel 6 sometime.

MemeWeaver > GreenN_Gold 05/09/2016 at 16:44

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Try the egg SAMwich.

UninhibitedColinFirthAtChruch > DrZ 05/09/2016 at 17:07

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This post really got my hopes up that OMSI had opened up the coolest Airbnb in PDX.

zziro > Seat Safety Switch 05/09/2016 at 17:29

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Hey, so I know we’re not technically supposed to use the fireplace, but I see you have a stack of fuel rods on the patio...

davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com > Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap 05/09/2016 at 17:29

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This is news I can use.

davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com > Seat Safety Switch 05/09/2016 at 17:31

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I’ve missed this.

Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap > davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com 05/09/2016 at 17:38

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He linked it to me a while back. Hopefully this works

Jack Lucien > DrZ 05/09/2016 at 18:12

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I was wondering how the hell they got a Russian sub up the Willamette.

Phil Layshio > Seat Safety Switch 05/09/2016 at 18:40

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That’s the USS Blueback, docked in the Willamette at Oregon Museum of Science and Industry in Portland. And it’s diesel powered. And open for tours daily for about 12 dollars.

buffalohead > MobileOctopus 05/09/2016 at 19:34

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Ya, how long has that thing been swimming under the Marquam bridge?

logruszed > Seat Safety Switch 05/09/2016 at 19:38

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You do not live on the USS Blueback, which is a smoker not a nuke. I think this is a work of fiction.

staghounds > Seat Safety Switch 05/09/2016 at 20:55

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Instead of used, you should have bought nuke.

ColonialSaab > yung bramblepelt 05/09/2016 at 22:33

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That was totally the plot of one of the Brosnan Bond movies.

davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com > Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap 05/10/2016 at 00:06

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Thanks - I found it earlier (and bookmarked it!).

Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap > davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com 05/10/2016 at 00:14

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He always produces good stuff.

Joe > Seat Safety Switch 05/10/2016 at 01:27

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This would be a great idea for the blueback though. Its already in hipster heaven, portland, and its a unique experience

Cameron Aubernon > Seat Safety Switch 05/10/2016 at 02:53

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Stay fresh you say?

AMGtech - now with more recalls! > Seat Safety Switch 05/10/2016 at 02:57

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Picture of Portland and talks about bicycle mechanics. Lol perfect.

DrZ > CGJackal 05/10/2016 at 08:03

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Yup, edited the post after I realized it had fairwater planes and the bridge didn’t quite look like the one between Groton and New London. :P Weird how there are two submarine museums next to bridges!

banzaitoyota > Seat Safety Switch 05/10/2016 at 09:33

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Freaking NON-QUAL Dink Puke Oxygen Consuming, San Tank Filling Waste of Space, rack hogging forward puke wannabee.

banzaitoyota > Seat Safety Switch 05/10/2016 at 09:57

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NON-Quals need to refrain from writing about what they know NOTHING about. Until you have more time reading the piping tabs on the shitter at test depth than ordering double shot venti decaffe lattee's

Turbineguy: Nom de Zoom > Seat Safety Switch 05/10/2016 at 10:23

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Jeez I hope they removed the prop so nobody can start it up and drive away...

derp

lostinspacecamp > GreenN_Gold 05/10/2016 at 10:44

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I hate you

Seat Safety Switch > Joe 05/10/2016 at 10:44

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If anyone actually does this, I want a cut.

MobileOctopus > buffalohead 05/10/2016 at 12:23

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I think 15 years now.

CGJackal > Jack Lucien 05/10/2016 at 12:26

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Bit of trivia, the Blueback was a stand in for the USS Dallas during the “Emergency Surface Scene”in Hunt for Red October

will_kern > Seat Safety Switch 05/10/2016 at 21:30

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I am pretty sure that all the surplus cold war subs are somewhere between here and central/south america with shipments of cocaine or $100 bills. Just a guess.

mrangryoctupus > Seat Safety Switch 05/13/2016 at 12:59

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OMSI hasn’t been the same since they got rid of OMNIMAX :-(